An Ember in the Night

These days, there are many people who celebrate their Autism diagnoses.  Some of them even use it as an excuse to indulge in cake. I think that's lovely, but it wasn't like that for me. By the time I was formally diagnosed at 39, it almost didn't matter.  I already knew.  I think maybe some piece of me had known for years, though, for too long I tried to push the idea away.  It scared me.  I just wanted to be normal, but after decades of trying and failing it became clear that I never would be, and I was destroying myself trying. People ask, "Why does everyone want to be Autistic now?"  I never wanted this, but, it's a relief to stop pretending I'm not, even if only sometimes.  I wish I could say that everything was magically all sunshine and rainbows after diagnosis.  Things have been better, but the path to healing isn't as straightforward as that.  It's filled with ups and downs.  Processing is hard and often painful work. There is ...

I recently attended my son's high school graduation ceremony.  Before entering the auditorium, we were handed a brochure with the names of all the graduates listed in alphabetical order.  I quickly found my son's name, and beside it, asterisks to denote he has achieved highest academic distinction.  I felt a wave of pride well up in my chest before pushing it down.  Pride, I told myself, is toxic.  At this point in my life, I understand that. The ceremony was beautiful.  The speakers, who I honestly expected to bore me with cliches and platitudes, instead reached into my soul with the power of their words.  And yet, my heart ached.  No doubt many parents find graduation events to be emotional. In some ways, they mark the end of childhood and redefine our role as parents.  Yet, I know that reality isn't so clear cut.  His transition out of childhood began long ago, and it has yet to end.  I felt that pain wash over me and roll away....