High School Graduation- How Schools Honor and Dishonor Students

I recently attended my son's high school graduation ceremony.  Before entering the auditorium, we were handed a brochure with the names of all the graduates listed in alphabetical order.  I quickly found my son's name, and beside it, asterisks to denote he has achieved highest academic distinction.  I felt a wave of pride well up in my chest before pushing it down.  Pride, I told myself, is toxic.  At this point in my life, I understand that.

The ceremony was beautiful.  The speakers, who I honestly expected to bore me with cliches and platitudes, instead reached into my soul with the power of their words.  And yet, my heart ached.  No doubt many parents find graduation events to be emotional. In some ways, they mark the end of childhood and redefine our role as parents.  Yet, I know that reality isn't so clear cut.  His transition out of childhood began long ago, and it has yet to end.  I felt that pain wash over me and roll away.  He is still here, and he is still my son.

Mostly what hurt was the separation I saw between the exceptional students and those who were...  not (or rather, not recognized as such).  Kids were called upon to stand for applause if they had achieved academic distinction...  if they were part of the Honor Society...  if they had completed college coursework...  etc.  Many stood, and many others did not.  I found myself drawn to those who didn't.  No doubt some of them truly didn't care, but, surely some did?  Were they ashamed to stay sitting, as hundreds of people watched?  Did they fail to reach their goals, and did they now feel that failure being publicly broadcast?  Did they have learning disabilities?  Had they struggled to receive the support they needed?  Were the routines and expectations of school at odds with how their brains worked?  We have one of those kids, too.  In a few years it could be her up there, left sitting as parents beside us proudly lift their chins and applaud their standing children.

In honoring those who had achieved various things, what assumptions were we making?  That they worked harder than the others?  That they possessed superior intellect?  We can't simply glance at them from across the auditorium and know those things.  Perhaps some of the kids left sitting had brilliant minds that were never challenged, causing them to lose interest and check out.  Perhaps some had worked far harder than anyone, but faced more barriers.  Perhaps the kids who were standing had, above all, been granted more privileges in life.

It isn't that I believe our destinies are completely determined by factors outside our control or that we lack any free will, but, I do believe our society assumes that we have far more free will than we do.  Our upbringings, our physiology and the supports we receive (or don't) all play a significant part in our outcomes.  The problem with fostering pride is that on the flip side of that coin, there is shame.  It makes our respect conditional and builds upon an assumption that the person has the power to significantly effect the outcome, when that may or may not be true.  

Why do we still do this to kids?  As adults, our performance reviews are kept private, and yet, we broadcast our children's successes and failures for all to see.  At a time when their senses of self are being forged, we push the idea that they deserve to feel proud (or not) based upon arbitrary standards.  How is this healthy?

I love my son.  I'm grateful that academic success comes easily for him and that he has the ability to persist towards his goals.  I'm grateful for the ways in which those things will make life easier for him, even as I know he will face challenges in other areas.  But, I will not get swept up in pride.  My love and admiration for him would in no way be diminished if his name hadn't been accompanied by asterisks or if he hadn't been asked to stand, and my love will follow him through all the peaks and valleys of life.  Unlike pride, love is unconditional.

Every graduate on that stage was a human being partaking in a significant life transition.  Instead of dividing them, I wish we could simply set aside our judgments and focus on offering them our support.